December

December has never been a very good month for me. Ever since I can remember, it's always been the month that has the most effect on my emotional state. This is followed closely by January. As such, people who know me are sometimes curious as to why I change so drastically in December - Long story short? I'm not sure. But I can tell you about how I feel.

December is the start of a period of the year where I am highly depressed. I'm not talking sad, or melancholy, or any simply stated emotion, I mean severely and completely depressed. This usually lasts til around mid January, though sometimes crosses into February. I'm not sure of any given cause, it could be the weather change, it could be the drastic reduction of stress from school ending, it may be the simple fact that everyone I'm close to is traveling away until January.

Depression doesn't effect me like most people think. I don't cry, I don't contemplate suicide, I don't do stupid things for no apparent reason. I just lose all motivation. For anything. Going up the stairs to go to bed seems like too much work. Food is in the kitchen, and that's often too much for me to consider eating. Showering? Not likely. And the chances of me making plans to hang out with someone are slim to none. I just cease to care about doing anything, even things I'm highly passionate about. I also become easily agitated. Small things annoy me quickly, and people judging me or not listening to something I have to say quickly get on all my nerves. Similarly, people trying to get me to talk about how I feel annoys me to no end.

Are there reasons I'm depressed? Aside from a chemical imbalance in my brain, yes. I'm consistently low on money, to a point where buying enough food to sustain myself can be difficult (I could ask my parents for money, but I avoid this because I already borrow so much from them, to the point where I feel like a terrible son and person in general.) I'm constantly single, and while it's not hard for me to find someone to share a bed with, I have an extraordinarily difficult time finding someone I connect with on an intellectual and emotional level (I can think of a very small number of people who I think of romantically, and naturally none of these women have the same feelings for me.) My grades are mediocre at best, and I'm always always going to be worried I won't be able to make a sustainable living in theatre, especially considering I can't even get my education in what I hope to do in the future. I don't have many friends, and I know I'm replaceable to all of those that I do have. That is to say, I'm hardly close with even my closest friends, and none of them will be sad when I'm no longer around them. To summarize, I'm poor and lonely and not terribly hopeful for the future.

There's nothing that can change how I feel. I've been on medication, and it does nothing for me (well, it does, I don't feel bad, but my motivations are still entirely lacking.) Similarly, people "showing that they care" has no effect on me, as there's a long history of people who "just want to show they care" and who "will always be my friend" who end up abandoning me entirely by March. It's best to just wait it out. I'll be myself soon enough.