Fucked up life.

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WARNING

This is a blog post of me bitching about life. If you don't want to hear it, don't read it. You've been warned.

END WARNING

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A few weeks ago, I texted an old friend of mine because she popped up in my thoughts. She said she was where she thought she'd be at this point in her life, and I have to say I agree. I'm at a breaking point right now, myself, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Here's a list of my current grievances with life.

1. I'm stuck living at home with my parents.
2. Said parents do not have AC, and have not all summer. Texas summers are routinely over 100 degrees, and the nights, though cooler, arn't much better when the insulation keeps the heat from the day inside. In other words, I'm slowly cooking every minute I'm at home.
3. Being overheated all day has caused minor dehydration issues throughout the day, as well as making me feel sick whenever I'm home for more than an hour. As well, being in the heat all the time has severely crippled my appetite, and I haven't eaten more than a few bites of food a day (if anything) in the past month. I've actually lost weight to the point where I need new pants (and I'm already skin and bones.)
4. My laptop hard drive fried, and in order to repair it, I need to buy a new copy of Windows 7, which runs around $200. As well, I lost literally everything - resume, portfolio pictures, personal documents, everything.
5. The majority of my friends have moved to Austin, which, while great for them, leaves me lonely more than I'd like.
6. My California trip, which was supposed to be my graduation present, was postponed again. It was originally planned for June, then got pushed to July, now it's late August/early September. We'll see if it even happens at all.
7. I feel as though I wasted 4 years of my life at college. I am in absolutely no way prepared to work as a professional Audio Engineer. The internship I did did not help and has left me jaded to trying another.
8. My car is in exponentially increasing bad shape. Upon driving home, it has decided it wants to shake violently every time it idles, to the point where I no longer feel as though it's drivable.
9. I will likely have to quit my new job, as it's a delivery job and my car has decided I don't need money right now (it's very, very wrong, I desperately do.)
10. I'm broke, there arn't many jobs coming for Austin, and see above for the problem with my most recent job.
11. I'm completely head over heels for a girl who sees me strictly as a friend, with no signs of that changing. This, perhaps, is nothing new for me, except this girl is in a whole other league than most of the women I've been attracted to in the past. As cliche as it sounds, she makes me want to be a better person, and I'd rather be just friends with her than date anyone else right now.
12. I've lost more friends this summer than I've made, which is awful considering I was actively trying to make friends all summer.

This summer has completely shaken my entire concept of Karma, as I've been nothing but kind and generous with my friends, my family, and strangers. I try not to talk about my problems too much, and hugely appreciate the people who've listened when I do. But, seriously, this isn't right. I'm tired of life stomping and kicking the shit out of me when I've done nothing to deserve it. I just want things to be normal for awhile, not good, not bad, just normal, because this "Let's see what we can do to make Bobby more miserable" game it's playing is shit. Thanks for listening, hit me up on my cell if you want to talk.

END BITCHING

Word Vomit

Thoughts are cancer
Spreading fast.
Find a cure
Fair physician.

I can't take these thoughts,
I can't stand my mind.
The pills make me mellow
But take away my bite.
I want to be whole,
I want to be at peace.
With myself
With you
With life.

This isn't a life
It's a cry for help,
Unheeded.
Yell from building,
Whisper in ears,
My tragedy is silence,
My salvation buried.

Grab a shovel,
Push the dirt,
Make a stone,
To mark the earth.
I'll come out when I'm ready,
Or die amongst the rocks.

Crystal's clear
And quartz is clouded.
I scream and cry
For rescue unfounded.

But hope is here,
Amongst the rubble,
Shining quaintly,
Tempting loudly,
A reach away,
But I'm too astray
To grasp it all alone.

Lend a hand
or lend an ear.
Help me, please
You'd want the same
And I for you
In a different game
But this is for me
Selfish as it may be
It's not formal
To be normal
So help me please
Before this tomb collapses.

Isolation

Isolation is to be stuck in a cage. A cage made of bars. The bars are spaced perfectly apart, so that from any given angle, the opposite side of the cage looks just large enough to squeeze out of. Freedom is just a tight squeeze away, all you need to do is step over to the other side and work your way out. But you can't. It's a petty illusion meant to give you a false hope, so whoever is looking onto your cage can be amused by you chasing the exit. And suddenly, as you cut off circulation to your lower half trying to squeeze through an impossibly small opening, you realize that where you were originally is just slightly wider than your current escape. But it's a lie, the illusion is all around, teasing the condemned.

The cage is the worst form of isolation. It's not because of the limitation of movement, it's because your senses tell you what it's like to be free. You can hear others chatting, your can see friendships forming out of raw air, sometimes, albeit rarely, you can even stretch your hand out and scrape your fingers on the sandpaper of others. The eyes play tricks on you. You see other people crawling from their cages, but you remain faithfully stuck inside yours. This gives you hope. Hope keeps you looking for your escape, but then you see that the others cages were just a single wall, or perhaps a few, and all they had to do was step around them. But your cage is made of six walls - Four on either side of you, a roof, and a floor. You're trapped, but can taste the freedom on your lips.

Hell they say, is what you make it. My hell, it seems, is to be trapped in this cage and watch life around me, while I can only grasp the bars and reach for hands that don't want me.

December

December has never been a very good month for me. Ever since I can remember, it's always been the month that has the most effect on my emotional state. This is followed closely by January. As such, people who know me are sometimes curious as to why I change so drastically in December - Long story short? I'm not sure. But I can tell you about how I feel.

December is the start of a period of the year where I am highly depressed. I'm not talking sad, or melancholy, or any simply stated emotion, I mean severely and completely depressed. This usually lasts til around mid January, though sometimes crosses into February. I'm not sure of any given cause, it could be the weather change, it could be the drastic reduction of stress from school ending, it may be the simple fact that everyone I'm close to is traveling away until January.

Depression doesn't effect me like most people think. I don't cry, I don't contemplate suicide, I don't do stupid things for no apparent reason. I just lose all motivation. For anything. Going up the stairs to go to bed seems like too much work. Food is in the kitchen, and that's often too much for me to consider eating. Showering? Not likely. And the chances of me making plans to hang out with someone are slim to none. I just cease to care about doing anything, even things I'm highly passionate about. I also become easily agitated. Small things annoy me quickly, and people judging me or not listening to something I have to say quickly get on all my nerves. Similarly, people trying to get me to talk about how I feel annoys me to no end.

Are there reasons I'm depressed? Aside from a chemical imbalance in my brain, yes. I'm consistently low on money, to a point where buying enough food to sustain myself can be difficult (I could ask my parents for money, but I avoid this because I already borrow so much from them, to the point where I feel like a terrible son and person in general.) I'm constantly single, and while it's not hard for me to find someone to share a bed with, I have an extraordinarily difficult time finding someone I connect with on an intellectual and emotional level (I can think of a very small number of people who I think of romantically, and naturally none of these women have the same feelings for me.) My grades are mediocre at best, and I'm always always going to be worried I won't be able to make a sustainable living in theatre, especially considering I can't even get my education in what I hope to do in the future. I don't have many friends, and I know I'm replaceable to all of those that I do have. That is to say, I'm hardly close with even my closest friends, and none of them will be sad when I'm no longer around them. To summarize, I'm poor and lonely and not terribly hopeful for the future.

There's nothing that can change how I feel. I've been on medication, and it does nothing for me (well, it does, I don't feel bad, but my motivations are still entirely lacking.) Similarly, people "showing that they care" has no effect on me, as there's a long history of people who "just want to show they care" and who "will always be my friend" who end up abandoning me entirely by March. It's best to just wait it out. I'll be myself soon enough.